Auditor who counts

The government may have the CGA... audit the accounts of the CAG
Mint, September 19 Relax. This is not as confusing as it looks. The
first thing to remember is that neither the CGA nor the CAG are the
CWG. The CGA and the CAG have nothing to do with the Commonwealth
Games and they are not, as some think, the Commonwealth Games Agency
and the Common-wealth Agency for Games respectively. That would mean
the Common-wealth Games Agency would audit the Commonwealth Agency for
Games, which is absurd, although stranger things have happened during
the Games.

Also, it’s only the CGA that wants to audit the CAG. The other
permutations of CAG, such as the AGC, the GCA or the GAC have said
absolutely nothing. Although I realise there could be some bad blood
about CGA rushing in where other, soberer acronyms fear to audit.

As Mint explains, CGA stands for Controller General of Accounts, while
CAG is short for Comptroller and Auditor General. Both are generals,
but while one comptrolls, the other merely controls. To find out more,
I interviewed a top honcho at the CAG:

Me: What exactly is a comptroller?

CAG: It should be bleeding obvious.

Me: Ah, you roll compts?

CAG: Naturally.

Me: Do you roll over the compts, like a road-roller? Or do you roll
them like barrels? And what are compts?

CAG: That’s what the audit is trying to find out.

After that conversation, I turned to Wikipedia, which says comptroller
is pronounced identically to controller, which adds to the confusion.
And the thesaurus says a comptroller is nothing but an accountant.
Which means the CAG is actually an accountant and auditor general
while the CGA is a general of accounts. Hmmm.

The truth is that, after the CAG’s star billing, everybody wants to
audit these days, not least other generals. The director general of
civil aviation, the postmaster general and the generalissimo for
newspaper scribblers all want a slice of the action. Even little
Pinky, aged 9, says she doesn’t want to be a film star any more. “I
want to be a celebrity auditor,” she said, “like the CAG”, adding she
would like to pose for the Auditors’ Swimsuit calendar.

But I digress. The fact remains that someone must be found to audit
the auditors. As the CGA, who speaks Latin, told me, “Quis custodiet
ipsos custodes?” That is why the CGA must audit the CAG. But who will
audit the CGA?

Perhaps the Institute of Chartered Accountants of India (ICAI), who
could be audited by the ICWAI (The Institute of Cost and Works
Accountants of India), in turn audited by certified pubic accountants
(CPAs) and we could all merrily audit each other with 20-20 hindsight
and have a torrid time.

But who will be top auditor? Some say God. Others want Batman. The
Director General of Hydrocarbons, however, thinks it should be him.
Here’s why:

Me: Why should you be the boss auditor?

DGH: Because I direct everybody.

Me: Oh really?

DGH: We’re made of carbon, right?

Me: Yup, although some of us have a lot of silicone.

DGH: And does your body have water?

Me: I suppose so.

DGH: Then you are made up of both hydrogen and carbon and I’m the
director general of Hydrocarbons. Quod erat demostrandum.

I could not respond, as I know no Latin.

( Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint )

The views expressed by the author are personal